Posted in People

How to get the girl



How to Get the Girl

By Darrel Hofland

(Disclaimer:  This will probably be one of the most bizarre piece of literature you have ever stumbled upon.  No apologies given.  But do not attempt building nations with this knowledge.)

It’s been said of the Hof; that some people refer to him as “Doctor Love.”  It’s also been said that he can melt hearts of many ladies with just three words.  No one knows exactly what those three words are; but once you have heard them, you most certainly fall under the spell of his charm.

In a very rare moment; recently, I managed to corner the Hof.  Yes it was a corner. And this time he had no way of escaping my probing questions.  I admit I did have two rather large and muscular (they must always have muscles) bodyguards with me.  He whispered those three words into one of their ears, and ashamedly that one bodyguard crumbled to his charm.  Thankfully, my driver is pretty buff and I summoned rather quickly to step in for this faltering man that sat mesmerized throughout the interview.

I placed a pint of ale before the Hof and that seemed to do the trick.  He decided he would give me eight tactics to “get the girl.” He stopped at eight because, he said if we over that, he would have to charge me for his profound wisdom.  The cash in my wallet was rather depleted so I settled for these eight pearls of wisdom.  (Well, they’re not really pearl pearls.  Because if they were actual pearls; I would probably have put them in a necklace and given it to my girlfriend and I am most certain that would be more than enough to woo her.  Never mind the so called “Doctor Love’s knowledge on the matter…) Hof also admitted he could not just convey five tips because then he would come across as an amateur.  And he is far from that he declared.

One more thing before we start.  The Hof is not related to me, the author this piece.  He does not resemble David Hasselhoff.  That lifeguard, in fact, has no game at all; according to the Hof.  I questioned him about his animosity towards that hunk from Baywatch.  Hof did assure me he was not jealous.  I decided to rest the matter.

Okay at this conjunction; I am going to add another disclaimer; because I really just wanted to write the word disclaimer (oops, I did it again) again.  No, but on a serious note: If you by any chance try these methods and you succeed, I implore you to contact me and I can give you my bank details.  You can show me your gratitude that way.  Okay, now that the business is out of the way, here are eight ways to get the girl.

1)     Comment on her hoodie

If she doesn’t have a hoodie.  Then sorry, my friend; you’re out of luck.

“Hey that looks like a red hot chili pepper’s top” I said.

“Um, what, who?” she nervously replied.

I think to myself.  “Darn, did I mumble again?”

You see dear readers (seeking the greatest advice), all people love a compliment.  They all love to be noticed.  So yes, in trying to ‘get the girl’, comment on her hoodie.

In this case, the logo on her hoodie was not the RHCP logo.  Oh well, it did spark the interest.

2)     Question her profusely and joke about it being “an interview”

How does anyone get to know a person?  Talk to them.  Listen to them.  Duh!  Seriously, how is this one of the eight points of expert advice, I wonder as I jot this down? (The Hof, is this guy for real?)

The Hof declared once in meeting a girl, he questioned her loads.  He really was interested.  But he forgot to let her question him.  In a moment of brilliance; he paused and said to the girl:

“This obviously seems like an interview?”

She laughed.

One step closer to getting the girl. Laughter an obvious sign.

3)     Make up a nickname for her

This seems to be a very big South African thing.  South Africans always make up nicknames for each other.  Now in trying to get the girl, if you give her a nickname; she is happy, because you have shown her interest.  But don’t make the nickname “sweet.”

That’s just lame!

In this case, this is how her nickname came about:

Walking past the conversation, he overheard her struggle after going on a wine tasting tour.  She had not expected her response to the tour in that way.

He latched onto the moment with a little chuckle and a smirk and said, “I think I should call you Miss Four Sips”

“Why?” she asked.

“Because clearly you can’t handle your wine tasting.”

4)      Ask her to tell you a “secret” that she hasn’t told the others.

You need to get to the next level.  So simply in conversation.  Ask her simply to tell you something she hasn’t told others before.  Obviously don’t do this at “At point two” (see above).  That’s way too early for this approach.

Because in sharing a secret.  There a connection begins.

Because you see, when in a large group of people who don’t really know each other that well.  We all chit chat.  We all share the surface stuff.  We’re bound by the common knowledge of each other.  So to take another step in getting the girl, the question of her secret is helpful.

5)     Tell her you are writing a book about getting a girl.

Actually as I write this down while interviewing the Hof I am flabbergasted at how on earth he got away with some of this stuff.  Does this really work?

Every book needs subject material.

People who write books often interview people to develop characters and built history and plot.

“I’m really just writing a book on ‘how to get the girl’ and you happen to be my subject.’

She smiles back. “Oh, really.”

And a whole lot more conversation and cheek followed that.  So maybe this tactic, point number five actually works.  Go figure.

6)     Don’t ask her for her whole number at one time.

This is rather clever approach to getting her number.  In only asking for some of it you show that you’re interested but not over eager (keeps her on her toes) and practically it’s brilliant.  It assures more conversation.  And truth be told it’s a whole lot easier remember short numbers.  Once you’ve mastered three digits you can go for another three or four.

7)     Find a trampoline and some stars.

It has to be a trampoline.  If you can’t find one.  Then you’re stuck.  Put this article down.  Go cry to yourself in a corner.  You’ve got no game.  You’ve got not hope.

(Now for the rest of you, get your minds out the gutter!)

Oh, and to add to the mix.  Some stars are perfect too!

So ‘escape from the crowd’ and go have a ‘conversation.’

Lie on the trampoline.  Look at the stars.  What a stunning setting.  Then to seal the deal… you can get tips from my next article.  (Okay, seriously there won’t be one.  Are you out of your mind?  How come you are still reading this anyway?  Are you convinced the Hof even knows what he is talking about?)

PS.  If you’re gonna heed this advice.  Dress warmly!

In a very rare moment, Hof admitted.  ‘Darn!  Shivering while talking to the girl, is not cool!” (Weird pun here?)

8)     “Run-away” together.

Now beginners, be careful with what the Hof means here.  If you take the girl you’re interested with and literally runaway… that’s creepy!  And especially if she say’s “no” and you still runaway.  Most countries call that “kidnapping.” Awkward!

Life without adventure is boring!  If you can create an adventure with the girl you are pursuing then you’re set.  All ladies love a sense of adventure.

In this case, the Hof admitted his friends at the venue were keen on “busting him and his antics.”

He said he saw his friends all running down to “catch them out.”

Being observant and smart, he grabbed the girl’s hand and they ducked around the corner out of sight and went for a cup of coffee in the venue’s lounge.  The Hof had out smarted his friends.

This little episode was a sort of “run-away adventure.”  Spontaneous and fun.  Key ingredients.

Ending the Interview

So there you have you patient and brave readers; I can’t believe you have made it thus far.  Did these pearls of wisdom blow you over?  Has your life been altered for the better?

I feel educated.  Maybe a little concerned with the mental state of the Hof.

But he still seems like a decent enough chap.

My final words to you: “If you ever meet the Hof in person, run….”

Final Disclaimer: Can I write “haha” to show that I am laughing.  I really enjoyed writing this.  Tried expressing some of my odd humour.  Hope I succeeded in bringing it across.



I am an aspiring and up and coming writer. Dubbed the wondering wanderer. Do come check out my stories.

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